It was a serene morning when I scrambled for everything I needed to wear to the Graduation Ceremoney of SMKTD after having a shower. Yup, couldn't believe our "chap-plang" school has got graduation for its students? Hehe, but this is not the point. What I did and what I caused is what I'll tell you in this blog, which will live with me for the rest of my life, even if I get married or whatever.

So obviously everyone dressed up on that day and so am I, well, if you call that being "dressing up". Just a simple black tie, white long-sleeve shirt and black slack pants, and of course last but not least, the "heel" to gives me the height that Pei Teng gave me.

Then there she is, as tall as I'm, much to my satisfaction. I still remembered vividly how she dressed up that day, which I didn't like too much LOL. I wasn't feeling anything on that day either.

Then God decided to do a trick on me on that day. The plot, the usual plot of enjoying every performance while trying to deceive yourself into thinking the food there are nice, trying to take as many photos as possible since it might not be possible to do so in the future, trying to .... The plot has taken a twist when some unknown magic struck me so hard to take a leap of faith to do something foolish. Still wasn't sure how I felt, I asked Rina out and "ran my errands".

I asked her to come to the top of the hotel as I have "something important" to tell her, only to be treated in oblivion until now. No jokes, I gave her pillow instead of flowers. She accepted it, much to my surprise, and she didn't seem unhappy about it. We chatted awhile. And we .... our story ends.

I may forget what she said to me, but I will never forget the way she made me felt. Now, looking back retrospectively, that was outright childish. I've no idea what I'd been thinking that day. I was perplexed, confused. I played a fool on myself, not to mention the immediate sorrow that hit me so hard to the core later. It's amusing that I actually care to tell this story now, even it's been a year. I think I've moved on. If I haven't, then it's time to move on. Maybe you'd say I still care about her subconsciously, but I really have moved on. I should thank her for giving me a taste of how it feels like to go head over heel on someone. Yup, we didn't progress to what it was supposed to go after that day, when chances are aplenty. The reasons are intangible, but somehow obvious. It was partly have something to do with my sense of inferiority, which had gotten the best of me. We stayed in contact for awhile, but not long ago, it tapered off again, and I don't really care much about it either, which I'm glad. I guess she moved on too? Haha.

You know... I'm still pretty much a boy who will cry and very much need a cuddle from my mum, although my mum is too ASIAN to do it. Something happened today which I'm not going to talk about. I also couldn't believe that my mood was totally ruined because of this. All the time during NTUSO meeting, I was just merely physically present there and listened to every details without voicing much words. The incident got to me so much that even seeing the hot girl during the meeting couldn't soothe me. Never mind, I will be fine, really :) 

Seems like I'm not going back for another week again, really have no mood to do so. So I will just stay here and "mug" myself all the way. 

Hey, I'm back to blogging again. Uhm so, I finally took a leap of faith to come to NTU to study under JPA Pengajian Ijazah Luar Negara (PILN) 2014, though not many of my friends know that I'm under this not so coveted scholarship like ASEAN, CN Yang, College scholarship. So far everything is just fine, with the seniors, juniors and last but not least, my fellow hall mates, whom I used to have lunch and dinner with them at the canteen. My roommate is also fine, he's a Sabahan, UEC background.

Apparently, I lost my smartphone so I couldn't take as many photos as I please. But seriously, Singapore is really a nice place! I'm so grateful that under my own circumstances, I'm still able to make it to NTU, though not from a very strong financial background. I also realize that, my dreams of studying in Singapore actually started when I was Primary 6. I still remember for no reason, I wasn't qualified for some "scholarship" or that I didn't meet the cut-off point to be selected to take some admission test to study in Singapore for Secondary 1. Then in Secondary 3, I applied for ASEAN but I didn't send my supporting documents, so I wasn't qualified again. And in Pre-U while I was still in the recovery period of devastated to take Form 6, I went to this ASEAN Pre-U Scholarship admission test to enter JC. Again, I wasn't qualified, maybe my English too sucks D: . So, after so many toils, I finally made it to NTU, but not under Singapore Scholarship, but under Malaysia Scholarship.

Enough said. Recently in one of the canteen, I came across this aunty who's selling ban mee. There is nothing special about this aunty. But one thing is she was toiling laboriously while serving me, and it kind of reminds me of my mother :) My mother earned a living selling noodles soup and chow kuey teow, bringing up 5 children, with me being the youngest. The aunty surely reflects my mother, and I couldn't help but feel a pang of sorrow. My mother worked so hard, for like 30 years? just to provide a better living for the 5 of us. But still, it's only enough for necessities of life ( food, drink, shelter, home, you name it ). Others like education, we've to work very hard to secure scholarship to fund our own studies. My brother and sister didn't make it to Singapore because they didn't dream big, but I do. So, I'm somehow touched when my mum finally can settle down, with my brother looking after her, after so many years of working. But then, it's not the end yet, I'm one of her worry for the time being too.

Just now I called her to say that how inconvenient it is that I don't have a smartphone because everything goes by Whatsaap or LINE. She quickly offered to temporarily give her smartphone to me. And I said how about your candy crush? She said no choice. I really feel warm after listening to that.

I've vowed to work harder in NTU. Seriously, there're no place for me to slack here. I've to work really hard, harder than the way in STPM, to excel in academic and CCA. I really hope that I still turn out fine in the future.

Hehe, Happy Chinese New Year Eve!
I've always wanted to blog recently but found no time to do it
And today suddenly I've the "urge" to blog to share some of my thoughts D:

Where to start with? Hm...
I'm currently working as an administrator at a tuition center
somehow in someway I felt I betrayed Mr Chew haha
Looking back at all the power Chemistry notes makes me miss the Form 6 times
despite that arduous period in my life
to cope with so many things, er hm, only I'm aware of what are the "things"
NEED TO GROW UP MAH...

My job as an administrator is far more relaxed than I first thought or expected. Generally, it's just receiving calls, liaise with teachers who come in, and prodding those students to pay their damn fees ( Well, this is really frustrating, they're always due and it's not good if me, an admin keep prodding them to pay their due fees ). But it turned out that the my current situation is rather more complacent than I thought, due to not many people come to that center. There, I met a dedicated teacher call Mrs Teoh who taught Mathematics T. I tell myself that if I'd known her earlier, I'd have attend her tuition classes. What a loving, responsible and dedicated teacher she is. So, during my free times, like 4 hours plus, I spent time reading newspaper and English book. Ha, hope my English will show a tremendous improve in the future! Nowadays, I'm reading a book called "Total Recall" telling about the lives of Arnold Schwarzeneggar, amount to 600+ pages. It's not a biography, it's sort of his stories in a more intriguing way, and that keeps my interest in that book going. And damn-ly, I forgot to bring it back to read the remaining pages left during this CNY period.

Hm... So my off day ends on next Thursday, as Mrs Teoh's class resumes on next Friday. And this Sunday I'm going to JPO with RINA~~~~~~~~ Couldn't be more excited than ever. Honestly, I find CNY less "appealing" to me anymore, at least for now. I've no idea why do I think this way. I never felt home in JB, nor other places. There aren't any places that offer a sense of home or a sense of belonging to me, really. I admit I miss KL, but that only disconcerts me as how I used to live in KL, compared to how I used to live now. It's not that I despise here, I don't despise anyone or any place ( I don't even despise FPT ). I just need a home, and nothing seems to offer me that feeling. I even said to myself that the only person who could offer this feeling to me is my future wife. I want to leave here and start a new life at other places. I decided that it would either be Singapore, KL or overseas. Johor has way too little job opportunities to me. Seriously, CNY is just a mere holidays for me, nothing.

It kind of upsets me when my dream to further my studies overseas is dimmed. Of course, due to financial constraints, even with JPA schoalrship. I'm really sad, but again, as I told you, I don't despise anyone, I don't despise my mum who can't help me, no anyone. Studying in UK is exorbitantly expensive, as I counted, the 4 years period would consume more than RM350,000, an amount which can be used to purchase a car or a posh car. So, parents who send their children to study in UK are really rich to hell! So, for the time being, I stop "dreaming" for awhile and settle for peace..... Working > Reading > Online > Sleep and the cycle repeats itself over and over again. I really need sometime of my own to go for a vacation :)

Suddenly feel like blogging =D
Hm I've deleted one of my immature post about something, not to mention it here

How's life? ( asking myself )
Seriously, found nothing fond or appealing after the arduous STPM ended
Feel happy though, however, having to think of the future really tires me a lot
First, I'm not born with a silver spoon in my mouth
of course have to find a university which courses offered I can afford
btw, why do I take STPM at the first place?
so that my options upon completion of it are wider
well, it isn't any wider because of "financial problems" haha
Money rules the world yeah.
Then there are also some uncertainties in the engineering courses that I've to deal with
so far have not decided which discipline I want to specialize in
and then there is the scholarship to think of
the interview, the questions the interviewer are gonna bombarded to me
to test my knowledge, command of language and everything ...
life is so tiring without much money huh?
not to mention, unhappiness too
but wait, happiness is very subjective isn't it?
Don't worry, I'm quite happy lar :)
I was just reporting on how "good" my life is nowadays ...
Never mind
Btw, am quite eager to know my STPM results
and is the ARASHI treat to FPT possible
actually I will also treat her if the conditions are not met la =.=
always fetch me, no need ji jiao so much

These few days I've been busy typing notes for future tuition teaching materials ><
Am not sure why I put so much efforts in it
But will try my best to make a living eh?
haha, life is quite boring also nowadays
just need some excitements
and I guess I've forgotten her completely?
hm, hope so
Sickening mind me
Have to move on
Dwelling on the past won't help but only hinder myself from advancing forward.
Seems like my maturity has grown an inch, but not height
pathetic.
BYE.

As usual, my blog format is
first, my career / academy / school life
then world views
and finally relationship / women / girls

so, let's start off with the first one LOLL
hm.. Have just seen my results
no big deal
but it came as a shock for me that my PA got 4.0
beyond expectation x.x
because I thought PA was the hardest
then there was the Chemistry which really failed my expectation D:
ironically, I tuition for it and I got the suckest grade in it
Maths and Physics a bit sad though
but not for the time to cry haha
'cause after the exam last year
I've already "let the fiver flows out from my eyes'
so nothing ponder on la
luckily, I don't have to retake the subject which I hate the most
and then I've to really manage my time well
to re-study the term 1 syllabus for the three subjects
and now, I'm quite motivated to study ^^
it's a good thing though
nothing to elaborate more, what's done cannot be undone
just work hard for sem 2 ( which I'm doing now )

so now is to discuss about women / girls / relationship
I forgot to add "psychological changes"
xD
nowadays I feel like
I'm becoming more typical and typical
as man characteristics started to manifest in me :x
Seriously, now I really find her not so appealing anymore
as she '....' er hm ... fine, I'm just acting the way God has programmed man to be
then there is another one
nowadays I've been "whoring" around with her
(Sorry if I use the wrong word)
speaking from a man/boy's perspective
she's quite good-looking
And I find it normal for a man to do that
and on the other hand, such person like me
I do it without any malicious intent la =.=
Lately I found out a reason why am I keep doing this
although I know that we can't bear fruits
I found out that, this is quite an interesting job to whore around with her
as I can do more research on girls
about the way they think, they way to make them laugh
the way to keep a conversation going while making sure that they look into your eyes
( results : look into their eyes with some eyebrow motions when you're talking to them )
and the way to make yourself irresistible
sometimes I really wonder what maker her so interesti in me
until I always look at the mirror and thinking like Aristotle
I think it is most probably I'm too geeky or bookish
maybe on the other hand, unbeknownst to me,
she's doing the same things as what I do
- doing research on men
fine, as I said we can't bear fruits
so I shall continue doing it until I get a "fruitful" results or thesis

Life is full of ups and downs
Hm.. what else could it be?

It has been a long time since I last blogged
again, life leaves me freaking devastated and so
I resort to writing this blog to share some of my thoughts
and some views of the world in retrospect

Life has been a smooth sailing during my UPSR, PMR and SPM years
so it means that I didn't really "get the chance" to experience failures
and taste what failures are like
but now, time has changed
Seemingly God is, once again, testing my patience
Listen to the following stories and you'll know why do I say so
Let me cite an example
I've been doing a lot of math exercises during Term 1
But however, in spite of my efforts, I still couldn't score in the Maths T exam in Term 1
then there were the PA and Physics
I still remember vividly how sad I was
when I saw piles of A4 papers ( exercises ) that I'd done so far
for Physics and Maths
well, PA didn't go well as expected
the essay questions that came out were a shock
Fine, endure it
Then, my 2nd example is :
The MUET recently
I checked my answers from a blogspot and I've got 16 mistakes
well, as if the answers in the blogspot might have a bit mistakes
too, logically, it only help out abit on my mistakes
and then there was the Writing test
up until now, I'm still overwhelmed but a great sense of uncertainties that
DID I WRITE ON THE CORRECT TRACK OR DID I DIGRESS?
How much is my degree of digression and how obvious it is?
How ...
so in conclusion, my STPM year, everything didn't go the way I expected them to be
I wonder what's more?
I don't dare to think anymore else
there are still Term 2 exam ahead, and lots of assignments waiting for me
but again, all these things are really leaving me heartbroken
despite all my efforts ...

Maybe I'm too lucky if compared to others ?
Last Saturday had a pleasant hang out with Droisyer
then joined by Carrick at night
as usual, there were boredom, laughter and what?
whatever friends can do
we even watched a movie called The Oz and I laughed out loud
maybe it was because I still didn't know how bad I performed in the MUET  exam
if I knew it, I think I might cancel the outing with Droisyer out of a sudden
Then at night, Droisyer confided everything on me and Carrick
to my surprise, his case was ... of course shocking
how could a girl did such things on him?
but then I think that the seriousness of his case is equivalent to my mood now
( of failing all my expectations despite all the efforts so far )
then before Carrick and Droisyer went back home
I was waiting at the bus-stop and started reflecting on myself
comparing the things that had happened to Droisyer with mine
What I could is just mere anger
because I'm not the one who experienced it
I wonder if I did
will I feel heartbroken? angry? depressed?
well, not to say further about Droisyer's relationship
hope he starts new all over again
probably with Ah Qiu? xD ( sorry, I need self-entertaining )

I've been so concerned about my studies > success > career > future
until I placed so little time contemplating about 'love'
To say it as a whole
I'm kind of a person that is very good, I think, good at managing my heart
to say it in a more scientific manner, I know how to control
I don't give all my heart to somebody
and if I did, knowing that it may be one-sided, or I shouldn't have done so
then easily, without any Herculean effort, I can hold back my heart
I mean, I like her, but then realizing that it's impossible
then I'll start on my "plan" or disliking her, neutralise my love for that girl
and proudly saying, I've done this once or twice
Love is too vague, I can't tell how many times have I done
coz at the first place, I also wasn't sure did I really fall for her
or it's just an "illusion" ? or some funny love out of boredom ?

Seriously, what I think now is my future
about how can I score in exam\
how to manage my time for my leisure time and study time
how to curb with my sad feelings over the MUET and Term 1 results
I've no time for love
if I have, then we shall make the most of the weekends
going out, chatting .....